How to Flatuate from Your Ear.

We here at Straight White Male get a lot of tutorial requests, and though our site is somewhat ‘specialized’, as it were (though in what I haven’t been told; they refuse to let me out of this attic), we do try to answer legitimate inquiries on subjects relevant to, if not specifically pertaining to, said specialization.

That being said, here is a request from finklesprinklers13:

hey tel me how to fart out of my ear xav lol also i did yur mom just now and she was grate

While I did hesitate due to his failure to capitalize all the letters in my name, I decided nonetheless that his question deserved an answer.

The subject of flatulence has always been tricky and, at times, controversial. The first versions of flatulence were developed in the mid-1920’s (hence why they were called the ‘Roaring’ Twenties), and though primitive in nature, were well- received and, eventually, celebrated. This all changed in the late 1940’s when, due to the rampant overflatuance all across America, President Schwarzenegger passed regulations limiting the daily flatulence rations.

Conservatives, however, utilized their evil southern strategy (as used to keep the Native American marches in Toronto against the Vietnam war from being televised nearly a century earlier) to eventually enact a prohibition against all farts, everywhere. Needless to say, Mexico was not pleased with this resolution, and thus spawned the Mexican-American War and Operation Desert Storm (whose title is symbolic of the raging unsettled bowels resulting from Mexican cuisine).

After the gastric atrocities of Woodstock, the war was left unresolved, but one thing was for sure: Gas would never be the same.

Soon after the Brown Scare-era paranoia died down, the fart became a quintessential American icon, like apple pie, but digested. Flatulence became part of the American language, with slang terms emerging like “letting one rip”, “Cutting the cheese”, and “It wasn’t me (lol it totally was)”. Farts have become the sole subject of Adam Sandler’s humor (besides urine), as he explains in this quote:

Working at SNL, there was, like, a lot of complexity in that humor, y’know? A lot of thought and effort went into those sketches. What I brought to the table was a form of elegant minimalism, deliberately restraining myself to odd voices and nonsensical phrases. Guess who became the big movie star? [Chuckles] But I wanted to go even simpler. The films I was making, they still had legitimate, sometimes even interesting plots and premises. It became a problem, so after I hit my low point– making those dramatic movies, Spanglish, Funny People, all that crap– after all that, I stripped everything away for the sake of the farts. Farts are everything to me, right next to urine and, y’know, s**t.

-Adam Sandler, interviewed by “Cracked.com” from the article “Famous Comedians Who Don’t Deserve It”

This all brings us back to the subject: How to relieve gastric distress from one’s ear. For this difficult subject, I turned to other, more qualified members here on the subject. I approached a friend with this puzzle, and in an IRC exchange, he had this to say:

Farting from your ear? Are you f**king retarded?

Though such an answer is vague, I think you can get what you need from it, finklesprinklers13. You’re welcome.

Q&A: On the Cake

Is The Cake a lie?

You know, I get asked this question so often, my genitals shrivel up into a gaping black hole at the very mention of cake now. The cake in question is simply misunderstood. It is the despicable, filth-spewing trash like you that give The Cake a bad name.

The truth is that before The Cake died, she worked to support fifteen children, including a cupcake born without any icing and a half-eaten stroodle. As if that wasn’t enough, The Cake worked two jobs (one, the well-publicised assistant manager job for a certain science company, and the other as a headlining stripper for the local “Little Debbie” warehouse) and secretly volunteered for charity.

If you still think the cake is a lie, F**K YOU.

Is it true that–

Furthermore, it’s sad that so many people waste all their time on running another person’s name through the dirt, and if you think for one second–

Wait I have more questions to–

No, F**k YOU! I’m sick of you and your questions! You’re gonna sit down and shut up, you doughphobic piece of nazi trash!

Wtf is your problem?

I’ve been watching a lot of MSNBC.