TO DO: Ban Stuff, Launch Campaigns

It has come to the attention of the SWM Elder Council that there has not been a single campaign launched to ban something in the past two weeks. Being socially conscious (and not ignorant, intolerant conservadweeb f**ktards), we have set up this open forum for SWM members to submit possible campaign ideas. This can include, but is not limited to, some sort of cause (preferably insanely vague or weirdly specific), a victim or group of victims, and someone to villainize, preferably SWM’s themselves. A submission(s) will be chosen and redirected to the nearest appropriate minority organization, as we ourselves are, of course, not qualified to speak on whatever it is.

EDITOR’S NOTE: Nuance and empathy will result in automatic disqulification.

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MEDVICE: What Your LSD Hallucinations Say About You

1.

New research has cropped up in recent years new research has cropped up new research has cropped new research has cropped has croppedhas croppedhas croppedhascroppedcroppedcroppedhashashashashashashashashashashashashahahahaha hahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahhahhahhhaahhhhaaaaaah ah ah ah a 

aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa

aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa

aaa aaa aa a a   a        a             a

It ends, but never for you. Never for you, Clarice.

It ends, but never for you. Never for you, Clarice.

If this is your most common hallucination, you may be an avid blog reader.

2.: Miley Cyrus riding by On a Five-Eyed Transgender Liger With a Choir Behind her Singing “Shake it Off” This one is quite common among teen moms and little-league baseball coaches with a passion for NASCAR, usually signifying some sort of innate empathy with the racist unicorns drinking orange juice under your bed at night. It’s usually harmless, unless Waka Flaka becomes involved. You also may want to stop listening to Taylor Swift, even though she’s always listening to you. Always.

And so is your cat.

And so is your cat.

3: Your Hand Becomes A Giant Coffee Cup That Drinks Itself Whilst Screaming in Agony Everyone has this one. British folk are especially susceptiple, because of their strange fixation with tea over coffee, avidly provoking the wrath of Folger Jesus. The screaming itself is representitive of that time when Tyler Hill asked you to prom, because, as you recall, Tyler was ugly as f*ck and you hated him, but you were also ugly as f*ck. You still are.

This Is Your Face.

This Is Your Face.

4: Everyone is Staring at You. EVERYONE. This vision is rather easy to interpret, because everyone is staring at you. I’m staring at you. Your freinds and family are staring at you. The dog is staring at you. God is staring at you. And we are all very disappointed in you. STOP BEING SO STUPID.

God, you're such an embarassment. How do you sleep at night?

God, you’re such an embarassment. How do you sleep at night?

This is Not a Post.

This right here is Not a Post

as you can clearly see

it’s just a bit of silly filler

sh*t upon your screen.

I had a really funny thing that I was going to say

but all for naught as I got caught in other things today

I was going to put ‘up’ in between words ‘caught’ and ‘in’

but I couldn’t fit it into the rhythm of the iambic pentameter I decided to use, for some reason.

Crap  I just messed up the rhythm

Now I’m really screwed

But I guess I could call it ‘Avant Garde’

and get, like, a bunch of awards and stuff.

So here’s my silly filler spit into your face with glee

you can comment how you want, just don’t unfollow me.

Please.

[Seriously though, super slight hiatus due to stocking up on posts (trying to post every day-ish) and other reasons so profound as to actually blow your vastly inferior brains out the back of your head (so I won’t mention them). Will definitely probably post by tonight maybe.]

Medvice: Recommended Coffee Drinking Schedule (Student Edition)

oh my gosh guys so i was thinking that i should blog about healthy living because im living and probobly also healthy and i was drinking coffeeeee just now and i thought hey ill talk about regulating cofffeee intake and stuff so heres a schedule i tend to follow unless im suffering from caffiene crash and then i just lay on the floor and drool a lot untilmymom finds meandpicksmeupandcarriesmetobedsoanywayherescoffeeeefanpgnrkzhnanwi odfb xcbxcgefgtyhr

4:00 Wake up for school.

4:05 Still Waking Up.

5:00 Get out of bed because mom is dragging me by my hair.

5:01 Prepare coffee maker. Make as strong as possible, using the power of WikiHow.

5:10-5:15 Stare at coffee maker.

5:17 Fill up thermos and slip Folgers can (also coffee maker) into backpack.

5:20-7:00 Drinking Coffee on bus. I like to savor the first cup, because I never remember the ones after that.

7:00 COFFEEEEEE: Go to class feeling like a million bucks that only got three hours sleep because Twitter.

8:30 Starting to wear off, I think. Maybe, not sure. Not twitching as much, anyway. Sneak into restroom. There is a plug here. Not sure why, don’t care. COFFEE.

8:40 Why is everybody moving so slow? WHY ARE U MOOVING SO SLOW.

8:40.03 If I wave my hand in front of my face it’s really blurry.

8:40.06 I bet I could dodge bullets right now. Not completely sure, should drink more coffee just to be safe, then ask teacher to shoot me.

8:40.07 I bet she would. She never liked me.

8:41 WHAT DOO U MEEN I CANT GO TO RSTROOM AGAIN

8:42 Fine, Ms.Yelenhag. I can wait.

8:42.01 OH MY GAWD DOES THIS CLASS EVER END?!?

8:42.7 NO I WILL NOT STOP BANGING MY HEAD AGAINST MY DESK MS YELENHAG KISS MY STRATE WITE TUSH

8:42.7.2 Screw these people. With enough coffee I  WILL   BE     A       GOD.

8:43 Eat remaining coffee grounds from can before security gets here.

8:45 HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHACCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE

?:?? Wake up in small white padded room.

?:?? This jacket is too tight. Can’t even move my arms.

?:?? Petite Indian Woman with surprisingly sexy mustache opens door and walks in.

?:?? She has a cup of coffee! Gimmiegimmiegimmiegimmie

?:?? She says something that makes my stomach drop, eyes water, jaw clench, and bowls move:

“This is Decaf;

Your recovery begins now.”

?:?? NNOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO

UPDATE: May 87, 1969

  • Fixed a typo you didn’t notice before you could notice it.
  • Became your best friend whom you promised to like and reblog. You just don’t remember.
  • Prohibited the use of internet for the purpose of playing Nick Jonas’s “Jealous” (Titled in certain countries as “Bitchy Manchild”).
  • Fixed unfunny joke in “Tutorial Requests” (which you should go to right now). EDITOR’S NOTE: Joke may still be unfunny. XAV is just a temp anyway; Looking for comedian that is relatable and is Gabriel Iglesias.
  • Walked 500 Miles, multiple casualties.
  • Made 500 Miles reference. Was funny.
  • Clicked every like your blog has ever gotten, under many different names. Much is owed.
  • Brought it.
  • Explored sexuality and discovered attraction to washing machines. (Unfortunately Native Americans discovered it first.)
  • Founded WASH (Washing machines And Stuff, Hello)
  • Converted to pacifistic masochism and is extremely self-conflicted.
  • Was unable to post yesterday because Mutant Ebola AIDS. Will post soon.

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The Butter-Lover Mother

The butter-lover mother loved a tub of butter

Other utters muttered, “Hey, we might be next.”

Another butter-lover coveted the mother’s butter

Above the butter tub the lover’d hover, undercover

Once the mother blundered and turned from her lovely butter

The other butter-lover snuck her butter from the chest.

Tutorial Requests.

We here at SWM have one goal, and that’s to punch James Frey in the face. But we also post tutorials, and anyone who has questions and requests are free to post them in the comments below. There are two rules: Do not post a request already addressed and NO VULGAR CONTENT. We here at SWM have zero tolerance for pornagraphic material outside of our deleted history, and your comment will be taken down accordingly. Other than that, ask something that’s not obvious or uninteresting. Thank you, and as Specialist in Tutorial Demonstration , I look forward to answering your questions.

How to Get Better At EVERYTHING and Go to Heaven (NO MATTER WHAT)

This one is a request we get a lot and have ignored thus far because we thought it was pretty self-evident. Guess not.
  1. Like this post.
  2. Like all the other posts.
  3. Follow us. We like it.
  4. Share us with all your friends. We totes get down like that.
  5. I will personally show up at your house within 13 minutes with a cookie.
  6. The cookie is magic.
  7. You will eat the cookie, and get some indescribably awesome thing that I can’t even describe because it is indescribable, dummy.
  8. We will make beautiful love under the old oak tree on the hill in the field by the old Sanderson place. Remember that place? My dog would go out of his way to pee there while I was trying to walk him. Good times.
  9. I will ask you to marry me, and you will gasp in delight.
  10. Oh wait it wasn’t delight. You will say this is all happening too fast, and besides Ralph the football captain asked you to prom and you already said yes…
  11. I will say I understand.
  12. I don’t understand.
  13. I will walk home in the rain and go back to my blog.

OFFICIAL LYRICS: “Haz Sum Beer”, by Florida-Georgia Line (NEW SINGLE, OUT NOW!)

VERSE 1

Girl you remind me of alchohol

’cause there’s no downside to alchohol

shinin my rims till thare as clear as alchohol

I noticed your legs are really long Oooohhh

BRIDGE

Sittin’ down (by the river)

Gettin’ down (by the river)

Break it down (by the river)

Drink it down (by the river)

Drink it down,

Ooohh, Drink it down

CHORUS [2x]

‘Cause there’s nothin like a beer

I got sum here

You can haz sum

And I’ll just stare

Yeah, there’s nothin like a beer

Ohhh, there’s nothin like a beer

(you can haazzz sum)

VERSE 2

You know, gurl, I once had a thoughtsy

but then the label they went and caught me

–by the way I noticed you’re a hot-ty

with one of them there bo-dies

BRIDGE

Sittin’ down (by the river)

Gettin’ down (by the river)

Break it down (by the river)

Drink it down (by the river)

Drink it down,

Ooohh, Drink it down

CHORUS [4x]

‘Cause there’s nothin like a beer

I got sum here

You can haz sum

And I’ll just stare

Yeah, there’s nothin like a beer

Ohhh, there’s nothin like a beer

(you can haazzz sum)

VERSE 3

Beer, beer, beer, beer,

beer, beer, (HAZ SUM!)

beer, beer, beer, beer,

beer, beer, (HAZ SUM!)

beer, beer, beer, beer,

beer, beer, beer, beer,

beer, beer, beer, beer,

beer, beer, (HAZ SUM!)

BRIDGE

Sittin’ down (by the river)

Gettin’ down (by the river)

Break it down (by the river)

Drink it down (by the river)

Drink it down,

Ooohh, Drink it down

CHORUS [8x]

‘Cause there’s nothin like a beer

I got sum here

You can haz sum

And I’ll just stare

Yeah, there’s nothin like a beer

Ohhh, there’s nothin like a beer

(you can haazzz sum)

How to: DIY Eleventh Circle of Hell

I only recently checked my Electronic Mail and found a request that had been sitting in my ‘inbox’ for quite some time. So to carlsaganrapedmyego, wherever you are, my apologies for the delay. The request is as follows:

hi XAV big fan luv ur pornhub pge jus wondurin if how to mke my own elvth circle of hell thx bi

This one is interesting (thanks for capitalizing my name, by the way!), as we’ve never done a real DIY post here, but I happen to be an ‘ameteur expert’, as it were, in this particular area. Please note that this does require materials you will have to buy and/or torrent. The ‘Hellish’ effect of these materials would definitely be optimized through legitamate purchase however, seeing as you paid them for it.

WHAT YOU WILL NEED

WARNING: Straight White Male refuses to take any responsibility for the reader’s imminant death. Any attempt by the reader’s friends or relatives to sue will be met with endless bitter laughter and undisguised contempt. You have been warmed.

  1. Find/contact your enemy (It is recommended that this be your worst enemy and he/she be a cruel sociopath or something similar, like Your Mom) and explain the situation.
  2. Put in earbuds, with Anything Goes on standby (volume maxed), and chosen book in hand.
  3. Sit in chair and have the Enemy bind you to the chair with the rope, making it so that you can only turn the pages of the book but not close it, and cannot remove the earbuds.
  4. Ignore Enemy’s manic laughter as he/she ransacks your house, pees on you, and leaves.
  5. Say last prayers to god of your choice. (Recommended: John Green)
  6. Oh wait, you forgot to push play.
  7. Yell for enemy until he/she comes back and pushes play for you.
  8. Lack concern for the fact that enemy has just set your hair on fire and peed on you again, because you are now listening to Anything Goes.
  9. Begin reading, ignoring hair. It’s almost gone, anyway.
  10. Enjoy! Remember to breath in between agonized screams.