I only recently checked my Electronic Mail and found a request that had been sitting in my ‘inbox’ for quite some time. So to carlsaganrapedmyego, wherever you are, my apologies for the delay. The request is as follows:
hi XAV big fan luv ur pornhub pge jus wondurin if how to mke my own elvth circle of hell thx bi
This one is interesting (thanks for capitalizing my name, by the way!), as we’ve never done a real DIY post here, but I happen to be an ‘ameteur expert’, as it were, in this particular area. Please note that this does require materials you will have to buy and/or torrent. The ‘Hellish’ effect of these materials would definitely be optimized through legitamate purchase however, seeing as you paid them for it.
WHAT YOU WILL NEED
- Florida Georgia Line‘s instant classic, Anything Goes.
- The most overpriced, tinniest earbuds you can find.
- James Frey’s beloved masterpiece, LOOK AT ME EVERYBODY IM TOTES DEEP (Or Dawkin’s equally cherished Everybody’s an Idiot But Me)
- A rope.
- A rickety, uncomfortable, uneven chair.
- An enemy.
WARNING: Straight White Male refuses to take any responsibility for the reader’s imminant death. Any attempt by the reader’s friends or relatives to sue will be met with endless bitter laughter and undisguised contempt. You have been warmed.
- Find/contact your enemy (It is recommended that this be your worst enemy and he/she be a cruel sociopath or something similar, like Your Mom) and explain the situation.
- Put in earbuds, with Anything Goes on standby (volume maxed), and chosen book in hand.
- Sit in chair and have the Enemy bind you to the chair with the rope, making it so that you can only turn the pages of the book but not close it, and cannot remove the earbuds.
- Ignore Enemy’s manic laughter as he/she ransacks your house, pees on you, and leaves.
- Say last prayers to god of your choice. (Recommended: John Green)
- Oh wait, you forgot to push play.
- Yell for enemy until he/she comes back and pushes play for you.
- Lack concern for the fact that enemy has just set your hair on fire and peed on you again, because you are now listening to Anything Goes.
- Begin reading, ignoring hair. It’s almost gone, anyway.
- Enjoy! Remember to breath in between agonized screams.