How to Get Better At EVERYTHING and Go to Heaven (NO MATTER WHAT)

This one is a request we get a lot and have ignored thus far because we thought it was pretty self-evident. Guess not.
  1. Like this post.
  2. Like all the other posts.
  3. Follow us. We like it.
  4. Share us with all your friends. We totes get down like that.
  5. I will personally show up at your house within 13 minutes with a cookie.
  6. The cookie is magic.
  7. You will eat the cookie, and get some indescribably awesome thing that I can’t even describe because it is indescribable, dummy.
  8. We will make beautiful love under the old oak tree on the hill in the field by the old Sanderson place. Remember that place? My dog would go out of his way to pee there while I was trying to walk him. Good times.
  9. I will ask you to marry me, and you will gasp in delight.
  10. Oh wait it wasn’t delight. You will say this is all happening too fast, and besides Ralph the football captain asked you to prom and you already said yes…
  11. I will say I understand.
  12. I don’t understand.
  13. I will walk home in the rain and go back to my blog.

6 thoughts on “How to Get Better At EVERYTHING and Go to Heaven (NO MATTER WHAT)

  1. I feel like I won’t actually go to heaven. My theory – you simply said that to get me to like your post. But it’s funny so I’ll live with the uncertainty.

    • Apologies, my car broke down and a swarm of obese speed demons swiped the cookie I was bringing you. One of them sat on me. Now heading to ER. I have some vague suspicion that the emergency surgery may go terribly wrong and result in my permanent amnesia, which of course would keep me from competing my task. That probably won’t happen though. See you soon!

      • Ah if they were OBESE demons, I wholeheartedly forgive you. I’m waiting for my cookie! It doesn’t matter that I can spend $1.99 on it myself.

  2. I don’t know what sick twisted f**k would sell a cookie for 3 dollars, but it doesn’t matter, because theirs isn’t magic. I’ve hired COOCH (Cookie Observation, Containment, and Hussling) to track down the culprits and retrieve the cookie. Don’t worry!

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