For the first time ever in the history of all everythings, a company has had information on it’s products leaked. Namely, an excerpt from a first draft script for The Walking Dead Game, Season 3. In response, the CEO of Telltale had this to say:
Being comprised of responsible journalists, Every Gaming Site Ever has decided to share this leak. In a shocking and brilliant twist, the leak reveals that Kenny has apparently survived (again), though this excerpt appears to be set well after this reveal, presumably an episode or two into the season. The excerpt goes as follows (SPOILER WARNING!).
Clementine and the rest of the group (Kenny, Marge, Marge’s Baby, Oscar, and Clementine) run into the Break Room and lock the door behind them as the entire school is flooded with Walkers. There are no windows or other doors.
Kenny: Shit, there’s no fuckin’ way out! Clementine: Don’t worry, the door seems really strong. I don’t think they even saw us. They’ll wander off eventually. Kenny: But how the fuck long will that take? We don’t have any fuckin’ food with us! We’ll starve, for fuck’s sake! Clementine: It should only take a few minutes. Marge: I agree. It shouldn’t take long.
Kenny turns to eye Marge, then looks down to eye the baby held in Marge‘s arms. He licks his lips.
Kenny: We have to eat the baby.
DRAMATIC MUSIC STAB.
Marge: What? No! Kenny: We have no fuckin choice, goddamit! We have to eat the fuckin baby! Gestures towards the napkin holder on the table. We can light these napkins up and cook it real thorough-like– Clementine: Kenny– Kenny: YOU shut the fuck up, Clementine! I’m gettin’ real sick and fuckin’ tired of havin’ to make all the tough fuckin’ choices around here! Especially with you always tryna fuckin stab me in the fuckin’ back like this! Ffffffuck! Oscar: [Panicked] Can’t we just give it a little more time? Kenny: There is no more fuckin’ time, goddamit! Look around you! Do you see any time? No? You know why? Cause there is no more fuckin’ time, goddamit! Clementine: Looks Around. But what about the vending machines– Kenny: Stop fuckin’ tryna fuckin change fuckin’ the fuckin’ subject, fuckin’ Clemen-fuckin’-tine! We have to do something about this, NOW! Marge: [Crying] No! I won’t let you do it! Kenny: Then I have no choice! Pulls out gun.
Oscar sees this and audibly shits himself.
Clementine: Kenny, PLEEASE! Oscar: Sighs. He’s right, Clem. Clementine: What? No! Oscar: [Resigned] There’s no other way. We have to eat the baby. Kenny: Exactly! It’s the baby or all of us! Clementine: I– Kenny: There ARE no good choices, Clem! It’s kill everyone or eat the baby! Now choose! Marge: [Sobbing Loudly] What a dilemma!
Kenny‘s grip on the gun slips and it flies through the air, landing between Kenny and Clementine.
Kenny runs for the gun as time slows down for the player.
While shaving my tentacle suckers today, it struck me that I have been neglecting my inbox. As I feared, it turns out that the tutorial requests have begun to stack up like so many layers of poo crust in a 1-star motel toilet bowl. Thus, I will take on these requests as fast as I can handle without hurting myself again. Here, then, is a request from takethepiss696969lololol:
haaaaayyy XAV i gota no hw 2 mak aa zmby apacolips so i cann indulj in mi vilent pwer fantesees plz
We’ve been getting this request since the beginning, and it’s about time we finally fulfill it. To do this, we have to go back a bit, to when Bush committed 9/11. Most people know about this (though you don’t say anything because you’re all cowardly sheep), but not everyone understands why. Bush had in fact collaborated with the Umbrella corporation to test a zombie virus created by Satanic Illuminati Lizard Psychologists, and the test was getting out of control, threatening to escape the towers themselves. Obviously the only answer was throwing away more human lives.
It all worked out fairly well, but the conspirators decided it best to delay further testing and put the virus away for safekeeping in the meantime. Being a huge fan of Blade III, Bush suggested Wesley Snipes handle the task; Snipes was happy to help his government in any way he could. He disappeared from the public eye, utilizing some absurd cover story about tax evasion or something.
To Obtain a Virus Sample, You Will Need:
101 feet of strong rope (attached to a grappling hook)
1 Obtuse Political Philosophy (O.P.P.)
The Secret Service
Your target is located on the corner of Fifth and Main, in a large tower. You may want to wear non-slip shoes, as the walls are of pure ivory.
Practice and Refine your throwing skills for 20-30 years.
Go to the base of the tower and throw the rope up into the small window at the top.
As you reach the top, have your OPP at the ready.
Enter the window and quickly bash Mr. Snipes over the head with the OPP until he is unconscious.
Optional: Throw Mr. Snipes out the window screaming “THIS IS FOR BLADE 3!”
Retrieve virus samples and leave Ivory Tower, and return to your own.
Mail Virus sample to Secret Service with a note saying something like Keep an eye on this. Don’t embarrass us.
Make your final preparations as the virus gets accidentally leaked and claims its first victims (probably hookers).
if the internet are have teached me anything it is that clicks are good and i must get them no mater wat so here is some bullshit i just googled or something:
10: I DONT CAAAAARE
u mite wanna sit down 4 this. lol joke
this part doesnt even matter bcause you alrready clikked and no matter wat i do your still gonna clic if the title is ‘good’. i only hav like five minutes to rite this anyway becus i have 13 other top tens to do today to meet my quota.
9: YOU CANT JUDGE ME, YOURE THE SHEEP
time to get down and DIRTy. lol joke
somthing something sexism. or smoething. #PretendUrBrave
8: IM SAVING UP FOR A CYANIDE PILL
heres another big pun for u. lol joke
republicans suck amirite? yea they suck
5: DIE JOURNALISM DIE
oh hey chek out this other article i rote so ill hav even moooore clicks
Seeing as Tumblr (along with Twitter) is the epicenter of the modern civil rights movement, the SWM Elder Council rightfully saw fit to start an account there, exclusively for the purpose of Regulated Apology Sessions, Hello (RASH). Hence we have the SWM Apology Department, Tumblr Division. We know it’ll never be enough, and we know that knowing that will never be enough, but it’s the least we can do until the sacred New Order arrives (see: UTOPIA). You can find our new blog here.