MEDVICE Quickie: Too Much Candy?

Halloween is over, and I no longer have to listen to the spirit of my alcoholic stepmother haunting the wine cellar. I do, however, find myself periodically puking blood and razor blade fragments whilst the room begins to spin, which might make one wonder: “Did I eat too much candy”?

Step One: Identify the Symptoms

First off as a quick heads up, sorry if I maek a few mistakes, my head feels like its about to explodpmmkadjjR oh god i just shit myself. its everywhere

I DIDNT EVEN KNOW POOP  COULD BE THAT COLOR

Step Two: Do a Little Exercise

cant move. colapsed over keyboard, pecking keys with nose. send help

Step Three: Eat Some Protein

been here 2 days. swallowing puke keeps me from starvng. tell susanne i love her. the things with erica frances hillary may veronica and karen never meant anything. dont tell her about the puke eating tho

Step Four: Rest!

clear

The Foundation for Perpetual Subversion: XAV’s Story

    People have continually asked me about my beliefs, and if I haven’t made it clear yet, I’d like to briefly clarify. I consider myself a fairly devout New Age Evangelical Quasipostculturist (with a philosophical bent toward pacifistic masochism), and as such am ardently opposed to anything that might be remotely considered anything resembling Convention. I have always sought to fight stereotypes, tropes, preconceptions, expectations, vague estimations, and general statistical trends, and fervently promote demographical information as personal identity. So needless to say, when I stumbled upon The Foundation, it was an epiphany.

    Twas a dreary Monday morning, and I watched the rain cleanse everything below from the attic window as I idly gnawed on the fresh remains of an unfortunate rat. Slumped over the back of the creaky old wooden chair, forehead resting on the icy cold glass, I tried not to think about the computer behind me, nor the blank document in the open wordpress tab. I tried not to think about my writer’s block, or my loneliness, or my worsening hygiene (there’s no shower in the attic and the closest I’ve gotten is licking myself like a cat), or the worrying dip in the local rat population since the keeper stopped bringing me my stale Cheez-It® rations.

XAV Free Range

EDITOR’S NOTE: XAV is a free range blogger and is clearly lying about his treatment to get more entitlements.

    I was at rock bottom, and I knew it. I couldn’t even summon the enthusiasm to bang my fists against the window and scream for help when I saw people pass by (which I had long since learned to be futile anyway, given the room’s thorough soundproofing). As I eyed the rusty butterknife I had layed on the windowsill and began contemplating the unthinkable (which unfortunately didn’t go anywhere, since I couldn’t think of it), I heard the telltale beep of an facebook notification.

FB Convo- The Foundation

    We continued talking long into the night. It was an eye-opening experience, particularly when it turned to the omnipotent force behind the despicable evils of conventions and tropes, and the sinister truth behind so-called ‘moderates’…

This Testimony can be read in its entirety (with additional subliminal messaging) on The Foundation’s Official Website.
 

The Foundation for Perpetual Subversion

“Making the Challenging of the ‘Norm’ the Norm.”

We’re at the Top of Google Search Results!

After tireless shilling and page refreshing by SWM’s Narcissism Department (overseen by none other than Jonathan McIntosh himself), this blog finally shows up at the very top of the page in a quick Google search!

FRONT PAGE OF GOOGLE OMG

Needless to say, the staff is super excited over this, and our enthusiasm over this insignificant, meaningless foray into the cold, infinite abyss of egocentric futility has been rejuvenated!!! New posts coming soon!!!!!1111!!1!!!11!

Walking Dead Game Season 3 Script LEAKED!!!

For the first time ever in the history of all everythings, a company has had information on it’s products leaked. Namely, an excerpt from a first draft script for The Walking Dead Game, Season 3. In response, the CEO of Telltale had this to say:

michael-scott-no

Being comprised of responsible journalists, Every Gaming Site Ever has decided to share this leak. In a shocking and brilliant twist, the leak reveals that Kenny has apparently survived (again), though this excerpt appears to be set well after this reveal, presumably an episode or two into the season. The excerpt goes as follows (SPOILER WARNING!).

Clementine and the rest of the group (Kenny, Marge, Marge’s Baby, Oscar, and Clementine) run into the Break Room and lock the door behind them as the entire school is flooded with Walkers. There are no windows or other doors.

Kenny: Shit, there’s no fuckin’ way out!
Clementine: Don’t worry, the door seems really strong. I don’t think they even saw us. They’ll wander off eventually.
Kenny: But how the fuck long will that take? We don’t have any fuckin’ food with us! We’ll starve, for fuck’s sake!
Clementine: It should only take a few minutes.
Marge: I agree. It shouldn’t take long.

Kenny turns to eye Marge, then looks down to eye the baby held in Marge‘s arms. He licks his lips.

Kenny: We have to eat the baby.

DRAMATIC MUSIC STAB.

Marge: What? No!
Kenny: We have no fuckin choice, goddamit! We have to eat the fuckin baby! Gestures towards the napkin holder on the table. We can light these napkins up and cook it real thorough-like–
Clementine: Kenny–
Kenny: YOU shut the fuck up, Clementine! I’m gettin’ real sick and fuckin’ tired of havin’ to make all the tough fuckin’ choices around here! Especially with you always tryna fuckin stab me in the fuckin’ back like this! Ffffffuck!
Oscar: [Panicked] Can’t we just give it a little more time?
Kenny: There is no more fuckin’ time, goddamit! Look around you! Do you see any time? No? You know why? Cause there is no more fuckin’ time, goddamit!
Clementine: Looks Around. But what about the vending machines–
Kenny: Stop fuckin’ tryna fuckin change fuckin’ the fuckin’ subject, fuckin’ Clemen-fuckin’-tine! We have to do something about this, NOW!
Marge: [Crying] No! I won’t let you do it!
Kenny: Then I have no choice! Pulls out gun.

Oscar sees this and audibly shits himself.

Clementine: Kenny, PLEEASE!
Oscar: Sighs. He’s right, Clem.
Clementine: What? No!
Oscar: [Resigned] There’s no other way. We have to eat the baby.
Kenny: Exactly! It’s the baby or all of us!
Clementine: I–
Kenny: There ARE no good choices, Clem! It’s kill everyone or eat the baby! Now choose!
Marge: [Sobbing Loudly] What a dilemma!

Kenny‘s grip on the gun slips and it flies through the air, landing between Kenny and Clementine.

Kenny: Shit!

Kenny runs for the gun as time slows down for the player.

CHOICE:

  • EAT THE BABY
  • KILL EVERYONE

How To: DIY Zombie Apocalypse

While shaving my tentacle suckers today, it struck me that I have been neglecting my inbox. As I feared, it turns out that the tutorial requests have begun to stack up like so many layers of poo crust in a 1-star motel toilet bowl. Thus, I will take on these requests as fast as I can handle without hurting myself again. Here, then, is a request from takethepiss696969lololol:

haaaaayyy XAV i gota no hw 2 mak aa zmby apacolips so i cann indulj in mi vilent pwer fantesees plz

We’ve been getting this request since the beginning, and it’s about time we finally fulfill it. To do this, we have to go back a bit, to when Bush committed 9/11. Most people know about this (though you don’t say anything because you’re all cowardly sheep), but not everyone understands why. Bush had in fact collaborated with the Umbrella corporation to test a zombie virus created by Satanic Illuminati Lizard Psychologists, and the test was getting out of control, threatening to escape the towers themselves. Obviously the only answer was throwing away more human lives.

It all worked out fairly well, but the conspirators decided it best to delay further testing and put the virus away for safekeeping in the meantime. Being a huge fan of Blade III, Bush suggested Wesley Snipes handle the task; Snipes was happy to help his government in any way he could. He disappeared from the public eye, utilizing some absurd cover story about tax evasion or something.

To Obtain a Virus Sample, You Will Need:

  • 101 feet of strong rope (attached to a grappling hook)
  • 1  Obtuse Political Philosophy (O.P.P.)
  • The Secret Service

Your target is located on the corner of Fifth and Main, in a large tower. You may want to wear non-slip shoes, as the walls are of pure ivory.

  1. Practice and Refine your throwing skills for 20-30 years.
  2. Go to the base of the tower and throw the rope up into the small window at the top.
  3. Climb.
  4. As you reach the top, have your OPP at the ready.
  5. Enter the window and quickly bash Mr. Snipes over the head with the OPP until he is unconscious.
  6. Optional: Throw Mr. Snipes out the window screaming “THIS IS FOR BLADE 3!”
  7. Retrieve virus samples and leave Ivory Tower, and return to your own.
  8. Mail Virus sample to Secret Service with a note saying something like Keep an eye on this. Don’t embarrass us.
  9. Make your final preparations as the virus gets accidentally leaked and claims its first victims (probably hookers).
  10. Enjoy!

Top Ten MILFs from Sexist 80’s Cartoons: Where are They Now?

if the internet are have teached me anything it is that clicks are good and i must get them no mater wat so here is some bullshit i just googled or something:

10: I DONT CAAAAARE

u mite wanna sit down 4 this. lol joke

u mite wanna sit down 4 this. lol joke

this part doesnt even matter bcause you alrready clikked and no matter wat i do your still gonna clic if the title is ‘good’. i only hav like five minutes to rite this anyway becus i have 13 other top tens to do today to meet my quota.

9: YOU CANT JUDGE ME, YOURE THE SHEEP

time to get down and DIRTy. lol joke

time to get down and DIRTy. lol joke

somthing something sexism. or smoething. #PretendUrBrave

8: IM SAVING UP FOR A CYANIDE PILL

heres another big pun for u. lol joke

heres another big pun for u. lol joke

republicans suck amirite? yea they suck

5: DIE JOURNALISM DIE

lol joke

lol joke

oh hey chek out this other article i rote so ill hav even moooore clicks

4: ASDF

tortoice

sorry outta time   gotta go i got morr liststodo

Forgot To Tell You, We Have Another Blog.

Seeing as Tumblr (along with Twitter) is the epicenter of the modern civil rights movement, the SWM Elder Council rightfully saw fit to start an account there, exclusively for the purpose of Regulated Apology Sessions, Hello (RASH). Hence we have the SWM Apology Department, Tumblr Division. We know it’ll never be enough, and we know that knowing that will never be enough, but it’s the least we can do until the sacred New Order arrives (see: UTOPIA). You can find our new blog here.

Thank you, and we’re sorry.

The Search For Opposite Day, Part 1

You’re here because you know something. What you know you can’t explain, but you feel it. You’ve felt it your entire life, that there’s something wrong with the world. You don’t know what it is, but it’s there, like a splinter in your mind, driving you mad. It is this feeling that has brought you to me.

-My Therapist

It haunts me.

Every day. Every single day. There’s not a moment when I don’t think about it, not a moment when it doesn’t linger in the back of my mind, even as I try to push it away. Many sleepless nights have found me curled up on the hardwood paneling of the attic I live in, rocking back and forth and back and forth and whispering the accursed word over and over again. That wretched, evil, haunting word.

Opposite         Day.

Opposite               Day.

Opposite                        Day.

Well, two words. Two wretched, evil, haunting words.

It haunts me.

*They

Shockingly, the Internets don’t have a lot to say about this inconceivable mystery. It’s a shame, but it’s just like people to ignore or dismiss something they don’t want to believe. I, however, am not so blatantly ignorant. I have reflected endlessly on the intellectual challenge that opposite day presents; If opposite day exists, everyone would have to act as if it did not, and treat it like any other day. However, would we not be able to acknowledge it on any other day, perhaps marking the day on our calendars and erasing said mark just before Opposite day? That is, unless we don’t know when it is, and thus have to treat every day as a normal day, which is the same thing you would do on Opposite Day. In other words, one could not acknowledge Opposite Day, but would follow the cardinal Opposite Day rule of doing the opposite of what a ‘normal’ person would do, aka, what makes logical sense.

Therefore, those who know Opposite Day exists but do not know what day it is would act bizarre and insensible their entire lives, from the moment they knew of OD’s existence. Thus, to find opposite day, I must first find those who would know more of it, and perhaps eventually someone who has the date, or can calculate it.

I must know. I will go forth among these people and search until I find the answers. Nothing will stand in my way.

Wish me Luck.