MEDVICE Quickie: Too Much Candy?

Halloween is over, and I no longer have to listen to the spirit of my alcoholic stepmother haunting the wine cellar. I do, however, find myself periodically puking blood and razor blade fragments whilst the room begins to spin, which might make one wonder: “Did I eat too much candy”?

Step One: Identify the Symptoms

First off as a quick heads up, sorry if I maek a few mistakes, my head feels like its about to explodpmmkadjjR oh god i just shit myself. its everywhere

I DIDNT EVEN KNOW POOP  COULD BE THAT COLOR

Step Two: Do a Little Exercise

cant move. colapsed over keyboard, pecking keys with nose. send help

Step Three: Eat Some Protein

been here 2 days. swallowing puke keeps me from starvng. tell susanne i love her. the things with erica frances hillary may veronica and karen never meant anything. dont tell her about the puke eating tho

Step Four: Rest!

clear

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MEDVICE: What Your LSD Hallucinations Say About You

1.

New research has cropped up in recent years new research has cropped up new research has cropped new research has cropped has croppedhas croppedhas croppedhascroppedcroppedcroppedhashashashashashashashashashashashashahahahaha hahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahhahhahhhaahhhhaaaaaah ah ah ah a 

aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa

aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa

aaa aaa aa a a   a        a             a

It ends, but never for you. Never for you, Clarice.

It ends, but never for you. Never for you, Clarice.

If this is your most common hallucination, you may be an avid blog reader.

2.: Miley Cyrus riding by On a Five-Eyed Transgender Liger With a Choir Behind her Singing “Shake it Off” This one is quite common among teen moms and little-league baseball coaches with a passion for NASCAR, usually signifying some sort of innate empathy with the racist unicorns drinking orange juice under your bed at night. It’s usually harmless, unless Waka Flaka becomes involved. You also may want to stop listening to Taylor Swift, even though she’s always listening to you. Always.

And so is your cat.

And so is your cat.

3: Your Hand Becomes A Giant Coffee Cup That Drinks Itself Whilst Screaming in Agony Everyone has this one. British folk are especially susceptiple, because of their strange fixation with tea over coffee, avidly provoking the wrath of Folger Jesus. The screaming itself is representitive of that time when Tyler Hill asked you to prom, because, as you recall, Tyler was ugly as f*ck and you hated him, but you were also ugly as f*ck. You still are.

This Is Your Face.

This Is Your Face.

4: Everyone is Staring at You. EVERYONE. This vision is rather easy to interpret, because everyone is staring at you. I’m staring at you. Your freinds and family are staring at you. The dog is staring at you. God is staring at you. And we are all very disappointed in you. STOP BEING SO STUPID.

God, you're such an embarassment. How do you sleep at night?

God, you’re such an embarassment. How do you sleep at night?

Medvice: Recommended Coffee Drinking Schedule (Student Edition)

oh my gosh guys so i was thinking that i should blog about healthy living because im living and probobly also healthy and i was drinking coffeeeee just now and i thought hey ill talk about regulating cofffeee intake and stuff so heres a schedule i tend to follow unless im suffering from caffiene crash and then i just lay on the floor and drool a lot untilmymom finds meandpicksmeupandcarriesmetobedsoanywayherescoffeeeefanpgnrkzhnanwi odfb xcbxcgefgtyhr

4:00 Wake up for school.

4:05 Still Waking Up.

5:00 Get out of bed because mom is dragging me by my hair.

5:01 Prepare coffee maker. Make as strong as possible, using the power of WikiHow.

5:10-5:15 Stare at coffee maker.

5:17 Fill up thermos and slip Folgers can (also coffee maker) into backpack.

5:20-7:00 Drinking Coffee on bus. I like to savor the first cup, because I never remember the ones after that.

7:00 COFFEEEEEE: Go to class feeling like a million bucks that only got three hours sleep because Twitter.

8:30 Starting to wear off, I think. Maybe, not sure. Not twitching as much, anyway. Sneak into restroom. There is a plug here. Not sure why, don’t care. COFFEE.

8:40 Why is everybody moving so slow? WHY ARE U MOOVING SO SLOW.

8:40.03 If I wave my hand in front of my face it’s really blurry.

8:40.06 I bet I could dodge bullets right now. Not completely sure, should drink more coffee just to be safe, then ask teacher to shoot me.

8:40.07 I bet she would. She never liked me.

8:41 WHAT DOO U MEEN I CANT GO TO RSTROOM AGAIN

8:42 Fine, Ms.Yelenhag. I can wait.

8:42.01 OH MY GAWD DOES THIS CLASS EVER END?!?

8:42.7 NO I WILL NOT STOP BANGING MY HEAD AGAINST MY DESK MS YELENHAG KISS MY STRATE WITE TUSH

8:42.7.2 Screw these people. With enough coffee I  WILL   BE     A       GOD.

8:43 Eat remaining coffee grounds from can before security gets here.

8:45 HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHACCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE

?:?? Wake up in small white padded room.

?:?? This jacket is too tight. Can’t even move my arms.

?:?? Petite Indian Woman with surprisingly sexy mustache opens door and walks in.

?:?? She has a cup of coffee! Gimmiegimmiegimmiegimmie

?:?? She says something that makes my stomach drop, eyes water, jaw clench, and bowls move:

“This is Decaf;

Your recovery begins now.”

?:?? NNOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO