We’re at the Top of Google Search Results!

After tireless shilling and page refreshing by SWM’s Narcissism Department (overseen by none other than Jonathan McIntosh himself), this blog finally shows up at the very top of the page in a quick Google search!

FRONT PAGE OF GOOGLE OMG

Needless to say, the staff is super excited over this, and our enthusiasm over this insignificant, meaningless foray into the cold, infinite abyss of egocentric futility has been rejuvenated!!! New posts coming soon!!!!!1111!!1!!!11!

Retraction: “Walking Dead Game Season 3 Script LEAKED!!!”

OFFICIAL STATEMENT

The writer that authored SWM’s most recent post made an egregious factual error for which SWM would like to apologize. Rest assured, the writer in question will be reprimanded somehow– though, due to contractual obligations, staff shortage, and widespread administrative apathy, their employment cannot be terminated/threatened/mildly inconvenienced at this time. For those whom have not yet noticed the error themselves, see the image below:

Well, Fuck.

Again, we at SWM humbly ask for the forgiveness of our many, many, many loyal readers for this reckless display of typographical carelessness. We have always striven for 100% professionalism and proper journalistic ethics, and this sort of lingual misinformation being spread by our writers will not be tolerated (unless we have difficulty stopping it).

All that aside, I’ve been officially appointed as the gaming writer for the site. You know, since I actually know what the flying fuckballs I’m talking about. Look forward to seeing me report on gaming news that actually matters (indie) and reviewing games that aren’t infuriatingly overrated sacks of slimy skunk shit (of which there’s, like, two in the last twenty damn years). See you round.

Ron Rich

Forgot To Tell You, We Have Another Blog.

Seeing as Tumblr (along with Twitter) is the epicenter of the modern civil rights movement, the SWM Elder Council rightfully saw fit to start an account there, exclusively for the purpose of Regulated Apology Sessions, Hello (RASH). Hence we have the SWM Apology Department, Tumblr Division. We know it’ll never be enough, and we know that knowing that will never be enough, but it’s the least we can do until the sacred New Order arrives (see: UTOPIA). You can find our new blog here.

Thank you, and we’re sorry.

UPDATE: July 84, 1666 B.C.

  • Gave up waiting for you to unfollow me. You gutless twit.
  • Donated $207,847 to the greatest nostalgia bait of all time.
  • Danced in the rain. Got pneumonia.
  • Regretted refusal to get my pneumonia vaccine.
  • Killed again.
  • Figured out why the caged bird sings.
  • Shot a noisy bird.
  • (Speaking of birds, did you hear about the ‘long-lost’ To Kill A Mockingbird sequel? I’m pretty sure they tricked that poor old lady into giving them permission.)
  • Shot the mockingbird, too.
  • Contemplated giving this post the title “We’re Back!”, then disappearing again. That would be funny, yes?
  • No.
  • Made insulting, underinformed generalizations about conservatives, got high-fives for my tolerant open-mindedness.
  • Built a time-machine just to make out with myself.
  • Was disappointed by my lackluster kissing skills.
  • Accidentally ripped a hole in the time-space continuum, distorting reality enough to make Lil B famous.
  • Sealed hole with duck tape.
  • Celebrated Pi Day with my mom in an abandoned pastry factory.
  • Rigged your [Device] to explode if you don’t like this post before leaving the page.

“Hiatus” (An Epic), Book 36 [Excerpt]

“There is no more time, XAV!” Irvenflanore, the noble Uni-Centaur Warrior, yelled.

I wiped a bead of sweat from my brow as I fumbled with the magic-bomb’s wiring. This was it. Time to make a choice. As I hovered the toenail-clippers over a red wire, I thought once more of Shehorse, the beautiful centaur princess I had grown to love, but alas, due to biological limitations, could never hope to be with. A single sexy tear slid down my cheek as I clipped the wire.

The villanous Yizimat, whose soul was bound to the magic-bomb, cried out, then collapsed, falling dramatically into the Hell-Pit of Gurgleperk. I breathed a sigh of relief. It was over. I could finally return to my loyal Blog Kingdom.

That was when the Mutant Space Whales suddenly attacked from the heavens.

 Read the rest by purchasing this new sure-to-be-a-classic memoir* saga on Amazon.com!

*Inspired by a story based on true events

TO DO: Ban Stuff, Launch Campaigns

It has come to the attention of the SWM Elder Council that there has not been a single campaign launched to ban something in the past two weeks. Being socially conscious (and not ignorant, intolerant conservadweeb f**ktards), we have set up this open forum for SWM members to submit possible campaign ideas. This can include, but is not limited to, some sort of cause (preferably insanely vague or weirdly specific), a victim or group of victims, and someone to villainize, preferably SWM’s themselves. A submission(s) will be chosen and redirected to the nearest appropriate minority organization, as we ourselves are, of course, not qualified to speak on whatever it is.

EDITOR’S NOTE: Nuance and empathy will result in automatic disqulification.

Continue reading

This is Not a Post.

This right here is Not a Post

as you can clearly see

it’s just a bit of silly filler

sh*t upon your screen.

I had a really funny thing that I was going to say

but all for naught as I got caught in other things today

I was going to put ‘up’ in between words ‘caught’ and ‘in’

but I couldn’t fit it into the rhythm of the iambic pentameter I decided to use, for some reason.

Crap  I just messed up the rhythm

Now I’m really screwed

But I guess I could call it ‘Avant Garde’

and get, like, a bunch of awards and stuff.

So here’s my silly filler spit into your face with glee

you can comment how you want, just don’t unfollow me.

Please.

[Seriously though, super slight hiatus due to stocking up on posts (trying to post every day-ish) and other reasons so profound as to actually blow your vastly inferior brains out the back of your head (so I won’t mention them). Will definitely probably post by tonight maybe.]

UPDATE: May 87, 1969

  • Fixed a typo you didn’t notice before you could notice it.
  • Became your best friend whom you promised to like and reblog. You just don’t remember.
  • Prohibited the use of internet for the purpose of playing Nick Jonas’s “Jealous” (Titled in certain countries as “Bitchy Manchild”).
  • Fixed unfunny joke in “Tutorial Requests” (which you should go to right now). EDITOR’S NOTE: Joke may still be unfunny. XAV is just a temp anyway; Looking for comedian that is relatable and is Gabriel Iglesias.
  • Walked 500 Miles, multiple casualties.
  • Made 500 Miles reference. Was funny.
  • Clicked every like your blog has ever gotten, under many different names. Much is owed.
  • Brought it.
  • Explored sexuality and discovered attraction to washing machines. (Unfortunately Native Americans discovered it first.)
  • Founded WASH (Washing machines And Stuff, Hello)
  • Converted to pacifistic masochism and is extremely self-conflicted.
  • Was unable to post yesterday because Mutant Ebola AIDS. Will post soon.

Continue reading

Tutorial Requests.

We here at SWM have one goal, and that’s to punch James Frey in the face. But we also post tutorials, and anyone who has questions and requests are free to post them in the comments below. There are two rules: Do not post a request already addressed and NO VULGAR CONTENT. We here at SWM have zero tolerance for pornagraphic material outside of our deleted history, and your comment will be taken down accordingly. Other than that, ask something that’s not obvious or uninteresting. Thank you, and as Specialist in Tutorial Demonstration , I look forward to answering your questions.

How to Get Better At EVERYTHING and Go to Heaven (NO MATTER WHAT)

This one is a request we get a lot and have ignored thus far because we thought it was pretty self-evident. Guess not.
  1. Like this post.
  2. Like all the other posts.
  3. Follow us. We like it.
  4. Share us with all your friends. We totes get down like that.
  5. I will personally show up at your house within 13 minutes with a cookie.
  6. The cookie is magic.
  7. You will eat the cookie, and get some indescribably awesome thing that I can’t even describe because it is indescribable, dummy.
  8. We will make beautiful love under the old oak tree on the hill in the field by the old Sanderson place. Remember that place? My dog would go out of his way to pee there while I was trying to walk him. Good times.
  9. I will ask you to marry me, and you will gasp in delight.
  10. Oh wait it wasn’t delight. You will say this is all happening too fast, and besides Ralph the football captain asked you to prom and you already said yes…
  11. I will say I understand.
  12. I don’t understand.
  13. I will walk home in the rain and go back to my blog.