How To: DIY Zombie Apocalypse

While shaving my tentacle suckers today, it struck me that I have been neglecting my inbox. As I feared, it turns out that the tutorial requests have begun to stack up like so many layers of poo crust in a 1-star motel toilet bowl. Thus, I will take on these requests as fast as I can handle without hurting myself again. Here, then, is a request from takethepiss696969lololol:

haaaaayyy XAV i gota no hw 2 mak aa zmby apacolips so i cann indulj in mi vilent pwer fantesees plz

We’ve been getting this request since the beginning, and it’s about time we finally fulfill it. To do this, we have to go back a bit, to when Bush committed 9/11. Most people know about this (though you don’t say anything because you’re all cowardly sheep), but not everyone understands why. Bush had in fact collaborated with the Umbrella corporation to test a zombie virus created by Satanic Illuminati Lizard Psychologists, and the test was getting out of control, threatening to escape the towers themselves. Obviously the only answer was throwing away more human lives.

It all worked out fairly well, but the conspirators decided it best to delay further testing and put the virus away for safekeeping in the meantime. Being a huge fan of Blade III, Bush suggested Wesley Snipes handle the task; Snipes was happy to help his government in any way he could. He disappeared from the public eye, utilizing some absurd cover story about tax evasion or something.

To Obtain a Virus Sample, You Will Need:

  • 101 feet of strong rope (attached to a grappling hook)
  • 1  Obtuse Political Philosophy (O.P.P.)
  • The Secret Service

Your target is located on the corner of Fifth and Main, in a large tower. You may want to wear non-slip shoes, as the walls are of pure ivory.

  1. Practice and Refine your throwing skills for 20-30 years.
  2. Go to the base of the tower and throw the rope up into the small window at the top.
  3. Climb.
  4. As you reach the top, have your OPP at the ready.
  5. Enter the window and quickly bash Mr. Snipes over the head with the OPP until he is unconscious.
  6. Optional: Throw Mr. Snipes out the window screaming “THIS IS FOR BLADE 3!”
  7. Retrieve virus samples and leave Ivory Tower, and return to your own.
  8. Mail Virus sample to Secret Service with a note saying something like Keep an eye on this. Don’t embarrass us.
  9. Make your final preparations as the virus gets accidentally leaked and claims its first victims (probably hookers).
  10. Enjoy!

Q&A: On the Cake

Is The Cake a lie?

You know, I get asked this question so often, my genitals shrivel up into a gaping black hole at the very mention of cake now. The cake in question is simply misunderstood. It is the despicable, filth-spewing trash like you that give The Cake a bad name.

The truth is that before The Cake died, she worked to support fifteen children, including a cupcake born without any icing and a half-eaten stroodle. As if that wasn’t enough, The Cake worked two jobs (one, the well-publicised assistant manager job for a certain science company, and the other as a headlining stripper for the local “Little Debbie” warehouse) and secretly volunteered for charity.

If you still think the cake is a lie, F**K YOU.

Is it true that–

Furthermore, it’s sad that so many people waste all their time on running another person’s name through the dirt, and if you think for one second–

Wait I have more questions to–

No, F**k YOU! I’m sick of you and your questions! You’re gonna sit down and shut up, you doughphobic piece of nazi trash!

Wtf is your problem?

I’ve been watching a lot of MSNBC.