MEDVICE Quickie: Too Much Candy?

Halloween is over, and I no longer have to listen to the spirit of my alcoholic stepmother haunting the wine cellar. I do, however, find myself periodically puking blood and razor blade fragments whilst the room begins to spin, which might make one wonder: “Did I eat too much candy”?

Step One: Identify the Symptoms

First off as a quick heads up, sorry if I maek a few mistakes, my head feels like its about to explodpmmkadjjR oh god i just shit myself. its everywhere

I DIDNT EVEN KNOW POOP  COULD BE THAT COLOR

Step Two: Do a Little Exercise

cant move. colapsed over keyboard, pecking keys with nose. send help

Step Three: Eat Some Protein

been here 2 days. swallowing puke keeps me from starvng. tell susanne i love her. the things with erica frances hillary may veronica and karen never meant anything. dont tell her about the puke eating tho

Step Four: Rest!

clear

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How to Get Better At EVERYTHING and Go to Heaven (NO MATTER WHAT)

This one is a request we get a lot and have ignored thus far because we thought it was pretty self-evident. Guess not.
  1. Like this post.
  2. Like all the other posts.
  3. Follow us. We like it.
  4. Share us with all your friends. We totes get down like that.
  5. I will personally show up at your house within 13 minutes with a cookie.
  6. The cookie is magic.
  7. You will eat the cookie, and get some indescribably awesome thing that I can’t even describe because it is indescribable, dummy.
  8. We will make beautiful love under the old oak tree on the hill in the field by the old Sanderson place. Remember that place? My dog would go out of his way to pee there while I was trying to walk him. Good times.
  9. I will ask you to marry me, and you will gasp in delight.
  10. Oh wait it wasn’t delight. You will say this is all happening too fast, and besides Ralph the football captain asked you to prom and you already said yes…
  11. I will say I understand.
  12. I don’t understand.
  13. I will walk home in the rain and go back to my blog.

How to: DIY Eleventh Circle of Hell

I only recently checked my Electronic Mail and found a request that had been sitting in my ‘inbox’ for quite some time. So to carlsaganrapedmyego, wherever you are, my apologies for the delay. The request is as follows:

hi XAV big fan luv ur pornhub pge jus wondurin if how to mke my own elvth circle of hell thx bi

This one is interesting (thanks for capitalizing my name, by the way!), as we’ve never done a real DIY post here, but I happen to be an ‘ameteur expert’, as it were, in this particular area. Please note that this does require materials you will have to buy and/or torrent. The ‘Hellish’ effect of these materials would definitely be optimized through legitamate purchase however, seeing as you paid them for it.

WHAT YOU WILL NEED

WARNING: Straight White Male refuses to take any responsibility for the reader’s imminant death. Any attempt by the reader’s friends or relatives to sue will be met with endless bitter laughter and undisguised contempt. You have been warmed.

  1. Find/contact your enemy (It is recommended that this be your worst enemy and he/she be a cruel sociopath or something similar, like Your Mom) and explain the situation.
  2. Put in earbuds, with Anything Goes on standby (volume maxed), and chosen book in hand.
  3. Sit in chair and have the Enemy bind you to the chair with the rope, making it so that you can only turn the pages of the book but not close it, and cannot remove the earbuds.
  4. Ignore Enemy’s manic laughter as he/she ransacks your house, pees on you, and leaves.
  5. Say last prayers to god of your choice. (Recommended: John Green)
  6. Oh wait, you forgot to push play.
  7. Yell for enemy until he/she comes back and pushes play for you.
  8. Lack concern for the fact that enemy has just set your hair on fire and peed on you again, because you are now listening to Anything Goes.
  9. Begin reading, ignoring hair. It’s almost gone, anyway.
  10. Enjoy! Remember to breath in between agonized screams.

How to Flatuate from Your Ear.

We here at Straight White Male get a lot of tutorial requests, and though our site is somewhat ‘specialized’, as it were (though in what I haven’t been told; they refuse to let me out of this attic), we do try to answer legitimate inquiries on subjects relevant to, if not specifically pertaining to, said specialization.

That being said, here is a request from finklesprinklers13:

hey tel me how to fart out of my ear xav lol also i did yur mom just now and she was grate

While I did hesitate due to his failure to capitalize all the letters in my name, I decided nonetheless that his question deserved an answer.

The subject of flatulence has always been tricky and, at times, controversial. The first versions of flatulence were developed in the mid-1920’s (hence why they were called the ‘Roaring’ Twenties), and though primitive in nature, were well- received and, eventually, celebrated. This all changed in the late 1940’s when, due to the rampant overflatuance all across America, President Schwarzenegger passed regulations limiting the daily flatulence rations.

Conservatives, however, utilized their evil southern strategy (as used to keep the Native American marches in Toronto against the Vietnam war from being televised nearly a century earlier) to eventually enact a prohibition against all farts, everywhere. Needless to say, Mexico was not pleased with this resolution, and thus spawned the Mexican-American War and Operation Desert Storm (whose title is symbolic of the raging unsettled bowels resulting from Mexican cuisine).

After the gastric atrocities of Woodstock, the war was left unresolved, but one thing was for sure: Gas would never be the same.

Soon after the Brown Scare-era paranoia died down, the fart became a quintessential American icon, like apple pie, but digested. Flatulence became part of the American language, with slang terms emerging like “letting one rip”, “Cutting the cheese”, and “It wasn’t me (lol it totally was)”. Farts have become the sole subject of Adam Sandler’s humor (besides urine), as he explains in this quote:

Working at SNL, there was, like, a lot of complexity in that humor, y’know? A lot of thought and effort went into those sketches. What I brought to the table was a form of elegant minimalism, deliberately restraining myself to odd voices and nonsensical phrases. Guess who became the big movie star? [Chuckles] But I wanted to go even simpler. The films I was making, they still had legitimate, sometimes even interesting plots and premises. It became a problem, so after I hit my low point– making those dramatic movies, Spanglish, Funny People, all that crap– after all that, I stripped everything away for the sake of the farts. Farts are everything to me, right next to urine and, y’know, s**t.

-Adam Sandler, interviewed by “Cracked.com” from the article “Famous Comedians Who Don’t Deserve It”

This all brings us back to the subject: How to relieve gastric distress from one’s ear. For this difficult subject, I turned to other, more qualified members here on the subject. I approached a friend with this puzzle, and in an IRC exchange, he had this to say:

Farting from your ear? Are you f**king retarded?

Though such an answer is vague, I think you can get what you need from it, finklesprinklers13. You’re welcome.