In the Absence of Proficiency


A lot has happened.

I’ve grown several years older and several degrees madder. Several popular fellows named Bill have been sent to timeout for touching things they shouldn’t. And it seems a lot of people are very angry at a very confused, very old, very rich man. Very.

Perhaps the time is right then.

Firstly, I have a bone to pick. Several, actually. Here they are:


I think I’m going to go with the femur. Now, with that out of the way, let’s get down to business.

There’s been quite a bit of hoopla around things like the Way Awesome Bestest Health Care That’s Way Better Than That Muslim Nigger Gave You Act Republicans were trying to push through as fast as possible, or the subsequent American Freedom of Free Patriotic Opportunity to Stay Poor and Die Act they were able to actually pass in a similar manner.

But after much reflection, I have made the conscious decision to steer this blog away from politics from here on out.

I have also been notified by a number of lawyers that dispensing medical advice of any kind without a license or degree is unwise. So from now on MEDVICE will feature a disclaimer in tiny print reading “I am not a doctor, everything here is bad and dumb”, right after a few dozen paragraphs slandering medical experts as greedy fools in a conspiracy to give everyone chronic indigestion.


They’re coming for your BMs.

More to come! This year! No, really!


Christmas is Retarded.

SWM apologizes for the recent inactivity, as our main contributor has fallen mysteriously ill and it’s thrown the staff for a bit of a loop. Here’s a holiday post reposted from my personal blog. As I am contractually obligated to say: Merry Christmas and Happy Holidays.

Also, WARNING: Explicit language & a hefty dose of reality ahead.

Ron Rich Rants

So here we are again, like a 60-year-old widower revisiting the hoar house to have the company of a fugly 23-year-old crackhead for 2 hours. Now keep in mind I’m speaking objectively here; all of the preceding and following are fact-based conclusions that any reasonable person who honestly seeks to be fully informed (of which there are virtually none, excepting myself) would reach. That being said, Christmas is a cancerous cultural plague who’s endless mountains of money is wasted on presents for ungrateful little shits like my nephew Timothy in Sand Hill and donations to lazy drug-addled cunts who can’t be bothered to spend a little of that sweet sweet meth money on clothes (WHY DON’T YOU JUST USE THE MONEY YOU SPEND ON SANTA SUITS AND BELLS, SALVATION ARMY?!?), instead of where it could be put to better use via donations to American Atheists or Feminist Frequency or to clean my fucking toilet. I…

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The Search For Opposite Day, Part 1

You’re here because you know something. What you know you can’t explain, but you feel it. You’ve felt it your entire life, that there’s something wrong with the world. You don’t know what it is, but it’s there, like a splinter in your mind, driving you mad. It is this feeling that has brought you to me.

-My Therapist

It haunts me.

Every day. Every single day. There’s not a moment when I don’t think about it, not a moment when it doesn’t linger in the back of my mind, even as I try to push it away. Many sleepless nights have found me curled up on the hardwood paneling of the attic I live in, rocking back and forth and back and forth and whispering the accursed word over and over again. That wretched, evil, haunting word.

Opposite         Day.

Opposite               Day.

Opposite                        Day.

Well, two words. Two wretched, evil, haunting words.

It haunts me.


Shockingly, the Internets don’t have a lot to say about this inconceivable mystery. It’s a shame, but it’s just like people to ignore or dismiss something they don’t want to believe. I, however, am not so blatantly ignorant. I have reflected endlessly on the intellectual challenge that opposite day presents; If opposite day exists, everyone would have to act as if it did not, and treat it like any other day. However, would we not be able to acknowledge it on any other day, perhaps marking the day on our calendars and erasing said mark just before Opposite day? That is, unless we don’t know when it is, and thus have to treat every day as a normal day, which is the same thing you would do on Opposite Day. In other words, one could not acknowledge Opposite Day, but would follow the cardinal Opposite Day rule of doing the opposite of what a ‘normal’ person would do, aka, what makes logical sense.

Therefore, those who know Opposite Day exists but do not know what day it is would act bizarre and insensible their entire lives, from the moment they knew of OD’s existence. Thus, to find opposite day, I must first find those who would know more of it, and perhaps eventually someone who has the date, or can calculate it.

I must know. I will go forth among these people and search until I find the answers. Nothing will stand in my way.

Wish me Luck.