Laughable Podcast #1 – XAV Interview

So I recently had this interview in our new podcast series. The guy talked about himself too much, tbh. People came to hear ME speak.

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The Search For Opposite Day, Part 1

You’re here because you know something. What you know you can’t explain, but you feel it. You’ve felt it your entire life, that there’s something wrong with the world. You don’t know what it is, but it’s there, like a splinter in your mind, driving you mad. It is this feeling that has brought you to me.

-My Therapist

It haunts me.

Every day. Every single day. There’s not a moment when I don’t think about it, not a moment when it doesn’t linger in the back of my mind, even as I try to push it away. Many sleepless nights have found me curled up on the hardwood paneling of the attic I live in, rocking back and forth and back and forth and whispering the accursed word over and over again. That wretched, evil, haunting word.

Opposite         Day.

Opposite               Day.

Opposite                        Day.

Well, two words. Two wretched, evil, haunting words.

It haunts me.

*They

Shockingly, the Internets don’t have a lot to say about this inconceivable mystery. It’s a shame, but it’s just like people to ignore or dismiss something they don’t want to believe. I, however, am not so blatantly ignorant. I have reflected endlessly on the intellectual challenge that opposite day presents; If opposite day exists, everyone would have to act as if it did not, and treat it like any other day. However, would we not be able to acknowledge it on any other day, perhaps marking the day on our calendars and erasing said mark just before Opposite day? That is, unless we don’t know when it is, and thus have to treat every day as a normal day, which is the same thing you would do on Opposite Day. In other words, one could not acknowledge Opposite Day, but would follow the cardinal Opposite Day rule of doing the opposite of what a ‘normal’ person would do, aka, what makes logical sense.

Therefore, those who know Opposite Day exists but do not know what day it is would act bizarre and insensible their entire lives, from the moment they knew of OD’s existence. Thus, to find opposite day, I must first find those who would know more of it, and perhaps eventually someone who has the date, or can calculate it.

I must know. I will go forth among these people and search until I find the answers. Nothing will stand in my way.

Wish me Luck.

UPDATE: July 84, 1666 B.C.

  • Gave up waiting for you to unfollow me. You gutless twit.
  • Donated $207,847 to the greatest nostalgia bait of all time.
  • Danced in the rain. Got pneumonia.
  • Regretted refusal to get my pneumonia vaccine.
  • Killed again.
  • Figured out why the caged bird sings.
  • Shot a noisy bird.
  • (Speaking of birds, did you hear about the ‘long-lost’ To Kill A Mockingbird sequel? I’m pretty sure they tricked that poor old lady into giving them permission.)
  • Shot the mockingbird, too.
  • Contemplated giving this post the title “We’re Back!”, then disappearing again. That would be funny, yes?
  • No.
  • Made insulting, underinformed generalizations about conservatives, got high-fives for my tolerant open-mindedness.
  • Built a time-machine just to make out with myself.
  • Was disappointed by my lackluster kissing skills.
  • Accidentally ripped a hole in the time-space continuum, distorting reality enough to make Lil B famous.
  • Sealed hole with duck tape.
  • Celebrated Pi Day with my mom in an abandoned pastry factory.
  • Rigged your [Device] to explode if you don’t like this post before leaving the page.

“Hiatus” (An Epic), Book 36 [Excerpt]

“There is no more time, XAV!” Irvenflanore, the noble Uni-Centaur Warrior, yelled.

I wiped a bead of sweat from my brow as I fumbled with the magic-bomb’s wiring. This was it. Time to make a choice. As I hovered the toenail-clippers over a red wire, I thought once more of Shehorse, the beautiful centaur princess I had grown to love, but alas, due to biological limitations, could never hope to be with. A single sexy tear slid down my cheek as I clipped the wire.

The villanous Yizimat, whose soul was bound to the magic-bomb, cried out, then collapsed, falling dramatically into the Hell-Pit of Gurgleperk. I breathed a sigh of relief. It was over. I could finally return to my loyal Blog Kingdom.

That was when the Mutant Space Whales suddenly attacked from the heavens.

 Read the rest by purchasing this new sure-to-be-a-classic memoir* saga on Amazon.com!

*Inspired by a story based on true events

TO DO: Ban Stuff, Launch Campaigns

It has come to the attention of the SWM Elder Council that there has not been a single campaign launched to ban something in the past two weeks. Being socially conscious (and not ignorant, intolerant conservadweeb f**ktards), we have set up this open forum for SWM members to submit possible campaign ideas. This can include, but is not limited to, some sort of cause (preferably insanely vague or weirdly specific), a victim or group of victims, and someone to villainize, preferably SWM’s themselves. A submission(s) will be chosen and redirected to the nearest appropriate minority organization, as we ourselves are, of course, not qualified to speak on whatever it is.

EDITOR’S NOTE: Nuance and empathy will result in automatic disqulification.

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MEDVICE: What Your LSD Hallucinations Say About You

1.

New research has cropped up in recent years new research has cropped up new research has cropped new research has cropped has croppedhas croppedhas croppedhascroppedcroppedcroppedhashashashashashashashashashashashashahahahaha hahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahhahhahhhaahhhhaaaaaah ah ah ah a 

aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa

aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa

aaa aaa aa a a   a        a             a

It ends, but never for you. Never for you, Clarice.

It ends, but never for you. Never for you, Clarice.

If this is your most common hallucination, you may be an avid blog reader.

2.: Miley Cyrus riding by On a Five-Eyed Transgender Liger With a Choir Behind her Singing “Shake it Off” This one is quite common among teen moms and little-league baseball coaches with a passion for NASCAR, usually signifying some sort of innate empathy with the racist unicorns drinking orange juice under your bed at night. It’s usually harmless, unless Waka Flaka becomes involved. You also may want to stop listening to Taylor Swift, even though she’s always listening to you. Always.

And so is your cat.

And so is your cat.

3: Your Hand Becomes A Giant Coffee Cup That Drinks Itself Whilst Screaming in Agony Everyone has this one. British folk are especially susceptiple, because of their strange fixation with tea over coffee, avidly provoking the wrath of Folger Jesus. The screaming itself is representitive of that time when Tyler Hill asked you to prom, because, as you recall, Tyler was ugly as f*ck and you hated him, but you were also ugly as f*ck. You still are.

This Is Your Face.

This Is Your Face.

4: Everyone is Staring at You. EVERYONE. This vision is rather easy to interpret, because everyone is staring at you. I’m staring at you. Your freinds and family are staring at you. The dog is staring at you. God is staring at you. And we are all very disappointed in you. STOP BEING SO STUPID.

God, you're such an embarassment. How do you sleep at night?

God, you’re such an embarassment. How do you sleep at night?

This is Not a Post.

This right here is Not a Post

as you can clearly see

it’s just a bit of silly filler

sh*t upon your screen.

I had a really funny thing that I was going to say

but all for naught as I got caught in other things today

I was going to put ‘up’ in between words ‘caught’ and ‘in’

but I couldn’t fit it into the rhythm of the iambic pentameter I decided to use, for some reason.

Crap  I just messed up the rhythm

Now I’m really screwed

But I guess I could call it ‘Avant Garde’

and get, like, a bunch of awards and stuff.

So here’s my silly filler spit into your face with glee

you can comment how you want, just don’t unfollow me.

Please.

[Seriously though, super slight hiatus due to stocking up on posts (trying to post every day-ish) and other reasons so profound as to actually blow your vastly inferior brains out the back of your head (so I won’t mention them). Will definitely probably post by tonight maybe.]

Medvice: Recommended Coffee Drinking Schedule (Student Edition)

oh my gosh guys so i was thinking that i should blog about healthy living because im living and probobly also healthy and i was drinking coffeeeee just now and i thought hey ill talk about regulating cofffeee intake and stuff so heres a schedule i tend to follow unless im suffering from caffiene crash and then i just lay on the floor and drool a lot untilmymom finds meandpicksmeupandcarriesmetobedsoanywayherescoffeeeefanpgnrkzhnanwi odfb xcbxcgefgtyhr

4:00 Wake up for school.

4:05 Still Waking Up.

5:00 Get out of bed because mom is dragging me by my hair.

5:01 Prepare coffee maker. Make as strong as possible, using the power of WikiHow.

5:10-5:15 Stare at coffee maker.

5:17 Fill up thermos and slip Folgers can (also coffee maker) into backpack.

5:20-7:00 Drinking Coffee on bus. I like to savor the first cup, because I never remember the ones after that.

7:00 COFFEEEEEE: Go to class feeling like a million bucks that only got three hours sleep because Twitter.

8:30 Starting to wear off, I think. Maybe, not sure. Not twitching as much, anyway. Sneak into restroom. There is a plug here. Not sure why, don’t care. COFFEE.

8:40 Why is everybody moving so slow? WHY ARE U MOOVING SO SLOW.

8:40.03 If I wave my hand in front of my face it’s really blurry.

8:40.06 I bet I could dodge bullets right now. Not completely sure, should drink more coffee just to be safe, then ask teacher to shoot me.

8:40.07 I bet she would. She never liked me.

8:41 WHAT DOO U MEEN I CANT GO TO RSTROOM AGAIN

8:42 Fine, Ms.Yelenhag. I can wait.

8:42.01 OH MY GAWD DOES THIS CLASS EVER END?!?

8:42.7 NO I WILL NOT STOP BANGING MY HEAD AGAINST MY DESK MS YELENHAG KISS MY STRATE WITE TUSH

8:42.7.2 Screw these people. With enough coffee I  WILL   BE     A       GOD.

8:43 Eat remaining coffee grounds from can before security gets here.

8:45 HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHACCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE

?:?? Wake up in small white padded room.

?:?? This jacket is too tight. Can’t even move my arms.

?:?? Petite Indian Woman with surprisingly sexy mustache opens door and walks in.

?:?? She has a cup of coffee! Gimmiegimmiegimmiegimmie

?:?? She says something that makes my stomach drop, eyes water, jaw clench, and bowls move:

“This is Decaf;

Your recovery begins now.”

?:?? NNOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO

UPDATE: May 87, 1969

  • Fixed a typo you didn’t notice before you could notice it.
  • Became your best friend whom you promised to like and reblog. You just don’t remember.
  • Prohibited the use of internet for the purpose of playing Nick Jonas’s “Jealous” (Titled in certain countries as “Bitchy Manchild”).
  • Fixed unfunny joke in “Tutorial Requests” (which you should go to right now). EDITOR’S NOTE: Joke may still be unfunny. XAV is just a temp anyway; Looking for comedian that is relatable and is Gabriel Iglesias.
  • Walked 500 Miles, multiple casualties.
  • Made 500 Miles reference. Was funny.
  • Clicked every like your blog has ever gotten, under many different names. Much is owed.
  • Brought it.
  • Explored sexuality and discovered attraction to washing machines. (Unfortunately Native Americans discovered it first.)
  • Founded WASH (Washing machines And Stuff, Hello)
  • Converted to pacifistic masochism and is extremely self-conflicted.
  • Was unable to post yesterday because Mutant Ebola AIDS. Will post soon.

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