UPDATE: July 84, 1666 B.C.

  • Gave up waiting for you to unfollow me. You gutless twit.
  • Donated $207,847 to the greatest nostalgia bait of all time.
  • Danced in the rain. Got pneumonia.
  • Regretted refusal to get my pneumonia vaccine.
  • Killed again.
  • Figured out why the caged bird sings.
  • Shot a noisy bird.
  • (Speaking of birds, did you hear about the ‘long-lost’ To Kill A Mockingbird sequel? I’m pretty sure they tricked that poor old lady into giving them permission.)
  • Shot the mockingbird, too.
  • Contemplated giving this post the title “We’re Back!”, then disappearing again. That would be funny, yes?
  • No.
  • Made insulting, underinformed generalizations about conservatives, got high-fives for my tolerant open-mindedness.
  • Built a time-machine just to make out with myself.
  • Was disappointed by my lackluster kissing skills.
  • Accidentally ripped a hole in the time-space continuum, distorting reality enough to make Lil B famous.
  • Sealed hole with duck tape.
  • Celebrated Pi Day with my mom in an abandoned pastry factory.
  • Rigged your [Device] to explode if you don’t like this post before leaving the page.
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MEDVICE: What Your LSD Hallucinations Say About You

1.

New research has cropped up in recent years new research has cropped up new research has cropped new research has cropped has croppedhas croppedhas croppedhascroppedcroppedcroppedhashashashashashashashashashashashashahahahaha hahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahhahhahhhaahhhhaaaaaah ah ah ah a 

aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa

aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa

aaa aaa aa a a   a        a             a

It ends, but never for you. Never for you, Clarice.

It ends, but never for you. Never for you, Clarice.

If this is your most common hallucination, you may be an avid blog reader.

2.: Miley Cyrus riding by On a Five-Eyed Transgender Liger With a Choir Behind her Singing “Shake it Off” This one is quite common among teen moms and little-league baseball coaches with a passion for NASCAR, usually signifying some sort of innate empathy with the racist unicorns drinking orange juice under your bed at night. It’s usually harmless, unless Waka Flaka becomes involved. You also may want to stop listening to Taylor Swift, even though she’s always listening to you. Always.

And so is your cat.

And so is your cat.

3: Your Hand Becomes A Giant Coffee Cup That Drinks Itself Whilst Screaming in Agony Everyone has this one. British folk are especially susceptiple, because of their strange fixation with tea over coffee, avidly provoking the wrath of Folger Jesus. The screaming itself is representitive of that time when Tyler Hill asked you to prom, because, as you recall, Tyler was ugly as f*ck and you hated him, but you were also ugly as f*ck. You still are.

This Is Your Face.

This Is Your Face.

4: Everyone is Staring at You. EVERYONE. This vision is rather easy to interpret, because everyone is staring at you. I’m staring at you. Your freinds and family are staring at you. The dog is staring at you. God is staring at you. And we are all very disappointed in you. STOP BEING SO STUPID.

God, you're such an embarassment. How do you sleep at night?

God, you’re such an embarassment. How do you sleep at night?