We’re at the Top of Google Search Results!

After tireless shilling and page refreshing by SWM’s Narcissism Department (overseen by none other than Jonathan McIntosh himself), this blog finally shows up at the very top of the page in a quick Google search!

FRONT PAGE OF GOOGLE OMG

Needless to say, the staff is super excited over this, and our enthusiasm over this insignificant, meaningless foray into the cold, infinite abyss of egocentric futility has been rejuvenated!!! New posts coming soon!!!!!1111!!1!!!11!

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How To: DIY Zombie Apocalypse

While shaving my tentacle suckers today, it struck me that I have been neglecting my inbox. As I feared, it turns out that the tutorial requests have begun to stack up like so many layers of poo crust in a 1-star motel toilet bowl. Thus, I will take on these requests as fast as I can handle without hurting myself again. Here, then, is a request from takethepiss696969lololol:

haaaaayyy XAV i gota no hw 2 mak aa zmby apacolips so i cann indulj in mi vilent pwer fantesees plz

We’ve been getting this request since the beginning, and it’s about time we finally fulfill it. To do this, we have to go back a bit, to when Bush committed 9/11. Most people know about this (though you don’t say anything because you’re all cowardly sheep), but not everyone understands why. Bush had in fact collaborated with the Umbrella corporation to test a zombie virus created by Satanic Illuminati Lizard Psychologists, and the test was getting out of control, threatening to escape the towers themselves. Obviously the only answer was throwing away more human lives.

It all worked out fairly well, but the conspirators decided it best to delay further testing and put the virus away for safekeeping in the meantime. Being a huge fan of Blade III, Bush suggested Wesley Snipes handle the task; Snipes was happy to help his government in any way he could. He disappeared from the public eye, utilizing some absurd cover story about tax evasion or something.

To Obtain a Virus Sample, You Will Need:

  • 101 feet of strong rope (attached to a grappling hook)
  • 1  Obtuse Political Philosophy (O.P.P.)
  • The Secret Service

Your target is located on the corner of Fifth and Main, in a large tower. You may want to wear non-slip shoes, as the walls are of pure ivory.

  1. Practice and Refine your throwing skills for 20-30 years.
  2. Go to the base of the tower and throw the rope up into the small window at the top.
  3. Climb.
  4. As you reach the top, have your OPP at the ready.
  5. Enter the window and quickly bash Mr. Snipes over the head with the OPP until he is unconscious.
  6. Optional: Throw Mr. Snipes out the window screaming “THIS IS FOR BLADE 3!”
  7. Retrieve virus samples and leave Ivory Tower, and return to your own.
  8. Mail Virus sample to Secret Service with a note saying something like Keep an eye on this. Don’t embarrass us.
  9. Make your final preparations as the virus gets accidentally leaked and claims its first victims (probably hookers).
  10. Enjoy!

UPDATE: July 84, 1666 B.C.

  • Gave up waiting for you to unfollow me. You gutless twit.
  • Donated $207,847 to the greatest nostalgia bait of all time.
  • Danced in the rain. Got pneumonia.
  • Regretted refusal to get my pneumonia vaccine.
  • Killed again.
  • Figured out why the caged bird sings.
  • Shot a noisy bird.
  • (Speaking of birds, did you hear about the ‘long-lost’ To Kill A Mockingbird sequel? I’m pretty sure they tricked that poor old lady into giving them permission.)
  • Shot the mockingbird, too.
  • Contemplated giving this post the title “We’re Back!”, then disappearing again. That would be funny, yes?
  • No.
  • Made insulting, underinformed generalizations about conservatives, got high-fives for my tolerant open-mindedness.
  • Built a time-machine just to make out with myself.
  • Was disappointed by my lackluster kissing skills.
  • Accidentally ripped a hole in the time-space continuum, distorting reality enough to make Lil B famous.
  • Sealed hole with duck tape.
  • Celebrated Pi Day with my mom in an abandoned pastry factory.
  • Rigged your [Device] to explode if you don’t like this post before leaving the page.