Retraction: “Walking Dead Game Season 3 Script LEAKED!!!”

OFFICIAL STATEMENT

The writer that authored SWM’s most recent post made an egregious factual error for which SWM would like to apologize. Rest assured, the writer in question will be reprimanded somehow– though, due to contractual obligations, staff shortage, and widespread administrative apathy, their employment cannot be terminated/threatened/mildly inconvenienced at this time. For those whom have not yet noticed the error themselves, see the image below:

Well, Fuck.

Again, we at SWM humbly ask for the forgiveness of our many, many, many loyal readers for this reckless display of typographical carelessness. We have always striven for 100% professionalism and proper journalistic ethics, and this sort of lingual misinformation being spread by our writers will not be tolerated (unless we have difficulty stopping it).

All that aside, I’ve been officially appointed as the gaming writer for the site. You know, since I actually know what the flying fuckballs I’m talking about. Look forward to seeing me report on gaming news that actually matters (indie) and reviewing games that aren’t infuriatingly overrated sacks of slimy skunk shit (of which there’s, like, two in the last twenty damn years). See you round.

Ron Rich

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Walking Dead Game Season 3 Script LEAKED!!!

For the first time ever in the history of all everythings, a company has had information on it’s products leaked. Namely, an excerpt from a first draft script for The Walking Dead Game, Season 3. In response, the CEO of Telltale had this to say:

michael-scott-no

Being comprised of responsible journalists, Every Gaming Site Ever has decided to share this leak. In a shocking and brilliant twist, the leak reveals that Kenny has apparently survived (again), though this excerpt appears to be set well after this reveal, presumably an episode or two into the season. The excerpt goes as follows (SPOILER WARNING!).

Clementine and the rest of the group (Kenny, Marge, Marge’s Baby, Oscar, and Clementine) run into the Break Room and lock the door behind them as the entire school is flooded with Walkers. There are no windows or other doors.

Kenny: Shit, there’s no fuckin’ way out!
Clementine: Don’t worry, the door seems really strong. I don’t think they even saw us. They’ll wander off eventually.
Kenny: But how the fuck long will that take? We don’t have any fuckin’ food with us! We’ll starve, for fuck’s sake!
Clementine: It should only take a few minutes.
Marge: I agree. It shouldn’t take long.

Kenny turns to eye Marge, then looks down to eye the baby held in Marge‘s arms. He licks his lips.

Kenny: We have to eat the baby.

DRAMATIC MUSIC STAB.

Marge: What? No!
Kenny: We have no fuckin choice, goddamit! We have to eat the fuckin baby! Gestures towards the napkin holder on the table. We can light these napkins up and cook it real thorough-like–
Clementine: Kenny–
Kenny: YOU shut the fuck up, Clementine! I’m gettin’ real sick and fuckin’ tired of havin’ to make all the tough fuckin’ choices around here! Especially with you always tryna fuckin stab me in the fuckin’ back like this! Ffffffuck!
Oscar: [Panicked] Can’t we just give it a little more time?
Kenny: There is no more fuckin’ time, goddamit! Look around you! Do you see any time? No? You know why? Cause there is no more fuckin’ time, goddamit!
Clementine: Looks Around. But what about the vending machines–
Kenny: Stop fuckin’ tryna fuckin change fuckin’ the fuckin’ subject, fuckin’ Clemen-fuckin’-tine! We have to do something about this, NOW!
Marge: [Crying] No! I won’t let you do it!
Kenny: Then I have no choice! Pulls out gun.

Oscar sees this and audibly shits himself.

Clementine: Kenny, PLEEASE!
Oscar: Sighs. He’s right, Clem.
Clementine: What? No!
Oscar: [Resigned] There’s no other way. We have to eat the baby.
Kenny: Exactly! It’s the baby or all of us!
Clementine: I–
Kenny: There ARE no good choices, Clem! It’s kill everyone or eat the baby! Now choose!
Marge: [Sobbing Loudly] What a dilemma!

Kenny‘s grip on the gun slips and it flies through the air, landing between Kenny and Clementine.

Kenny: Shit!

Kenny runs for the gun as time slows down for the player.

CHOICE:

  • EAT THE BABY
  • KILL EVERYONE

UPDATE: July 84, 1666 B.C.

  • Gave up waiting for you to unfollow me. You gutless twit.
  • Donated $207,847 to the greatest nostalgia bait of all time.
  • Danced in the rain. Got pneumonia.
  • Regretted refusal to get my pneumonia vaccine.
  • Killed again.
  • Figured out why the caged bird sings.
  • Shot a noisy bird.
  • (Speaking of birds, did you hear about the ‘long-lost’ To Kill A Mockingbird sequel? I’m pretty sure they tricked that poor old lady into giving them permission.)
  • Shot the mockingbird, too.
  • Contemplated giving this post the title “We’re Back!”, then disappearing again. That would be funny, yes?
  • No.
  • Made insulting, underinformed generalizations about conservatives, got high-fives for my tolerant open-mindedness.
  • Built a time-machine just to make out with myself.
  • Was disappointed by my lackluster kissing skills.
  • Accidentally ripped a hole in the time-space continuum, distorting reality enough to make Lil B famous.
  • Sealed hole with duck tape.
  • Celebrated Pi Day with my mom in an abandoned pastry factory.
  • Rigged your [Device] to explode if you don’t like this post before leaving the page.

“Hiatus” (An Epic), Book 36 [Excerpt]

“There is no more time, XAV!” Irvenflanore, the noble Uni-Centaur Warrior, yelled.

I wiped a bead of sweat from my brow as I fumbled with the magic-bomb’s wiring. This was it. Time to make a choice. As I hovered the toenail-clippers over a red wire, I thought once more of Shehorse, the beautiful centaur princess I had grown to love, but alas, due to biological limitations, could never hope to be with. A single sexy tear slid down my cheek as I clipped the wire.

The villanous Yizimat, whose soul was bound to the magic-bomb, cried out, then collapsed, falling dramatically into the Hell-Pit of Gurgleperk. I breathed a sigh of relief. It was over. I could finally return to my loyal Blog Kingdom.

That was when the Mutant Space Whales suddenly attacked from the heavens.

 Read the rest by purchasing this new sure-to-be-a-classic memoir* saga on Amazon.com!

*Inspired by a story based on true events

TO DO: Ban Stuff, Launch Campaigns

It has come to the attention of the SWM Elder Council that there has not been a single campaign launched to ban something in the past two weeks. Being socially conscious (and not ignorant, intolerant conservadweeb f**ktards), we have set up this open forum for SWM members to submit possible campaign ideas. This can include, but is not limited to, some sort of cause (preferably insanely vague or weirdly specific), a victim or group of victims, and someone to villainize, preferably SWM’s themselves. A submission(s) will be chosen and redirected to the nearest appropriate minority organization, as we ourselves are, of course, not qualified to speak on whatever it is.

EDITOR’S NOTE: Nuance and empathy will result in automatic disqulification.

Continue reading

UPDATE: May 87, 1969

  • Fixed a typo you didn’t notice before you could notice it.
  • Became your best friend whom you promised to like and reblog. You just don’t remember.
  • Prohibited the use of internet for the purpose of playing Nick Jonas’s “Jealous” (Titled in certain countries as “Bitchy Manchild”).
  • Fixed unfunny joke in “Tutorial Requests” (which you should go to right now). EDITOR’S NOTE: Joke may still be unfunny. XAV is just a temp anyway; Looking for comedian that is relatable and is Gabriel Iglesias.
  • Walked 500 Miles, multiple casualties.
  • Made 500 Miles reference. Was funny.
  • Clicked every like your blog has ever gotten, under many different names. Much is owed.
  • Brought it.
  • Explored sexuality and discovered attraction to washing machines. (Unfortunately Native Americans discovered it first.)
  • Founded WASH (Washing machines And Stuff, Hello)
  • Converted to pacifistic masochism and is extremely self-conflicted.
  • Was unable to post yesterday because Mutant Ebola AIDS. Will post soon.

Continue reading

Tutorial Requests.

We here at SWM have one goal, and that’s to punch James Frey in the face. But we also post tutorials, and anyone who has questions and requests are free to post them in the comments below. There are two rules: Do not post a request already addressed and NO VULGAR CONTENT. We here at SWM have zero tolerance for pornagraphic material outside of our deleted history, and your comment will be taken down accordingly. Other than that, ask something that’s not obvious or uninteresting. Thank you, and as Specialist in Tutorial Demonstration , I look forward to answering your questions.

OFFICIAL LYRICS: “Haz Sum Beer”, by Florida-Georgia Line (NEW SINGLE, OUT NOW!)

VERSE 1

Girl you remind me of alchohol

’cause there’s no downside to alchohol

shinin my rims till thare as clear as alchohol

I noticed your legs are really long Oooohhh

BRIDGE

Sittin’ down (by the river)

Gettin’ down (by the river)

Break it down (by the river)

Drink it down (by the river)

Drink it down,

Ooohh, Drink it down

CHORUS [2x]

‘Cause there’s nothin like a beer

I got sum here

You can haz sum

And I’ll just stare

Yeah, there’s nothin like a beer

Ohhh, there’s nothin like a beer

(you can haazzz sum)

VERSE 2

You know, gurl, I once had a thoughtsy

but then the label they went and caught me

–by the way I noticed you’re a hot-ty

with one of them there bo-dies

BRIDGE

Sittin’ down (by the river)

Gettin’ down (by the river)

Break it down (by the river)

Drink it down (by the river)

Drink it down,

Ooohh, Drink it down

CHORUS [4x]

‘Cause there’s nothin like a beer

I got sum here

You can haz sum

And I’ll just stare

Yeah, there’s nothin like a beer

Ohhh, there’s nothin like a beer

(you can haazzz sum)

VERSE 3

Beer, beer, beer, beer,

beer, beer, (HAZ SUM!)

beer, beer, beer, beer,

beer, beer, (HAZ SUM!)

beer, beer, beer, beer,

beer, beer, beer, beer,

beer, beer, beer, beer,

beer, beer, (HAZ SUM!)

BRIDGE

Sittin’ down (by the river)

Gettin’ down (by the river)

Break it down (by the river)

Drink it down (by the river)

Drink it down,

Ooohh, Drink it down

CHORUS [8x]

‘Cause there’s nothin like a beer

I got sum here

You can haz sum

And I’ll just stare

Yeah, there’s nothin like a beer

Ohhh, there’s nothin like a beer

(you can haazzz sum)